Celebrating Kevin

May 2nd marked what would have been Kevin’s 53rd birthday.  We celebrated first, with a gospel concert in his honor on April 29th.  Scotland AME Zion Church and Goshen UM Church choirs led us in beautiful worship.   Many people spoke of Kevin’s contributions to the church over the years and we announced the launch of the KV JOHNSON MUSIC MAKES A DIFFERENCE Scholarship that will help under privilege children continue with music lessons.

 

Kevin was an avid music lover and musician.  It was his love of music that led him to the Lord and we want to help other children with the dream of playing an instrument.

 

On May 2nd family gathered as we launched 52 white balloons and 1 royal blue balloon in his honor.  It was a beautiful and touching tribute to him.

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We love you Kevin!

 

God Created ‘LOL’ for our plans

Well, it’s been quite some time since I’ve posted on my blog.  I’m a Mom still trying to Manage all that Life brings my way – good and bad – name the tragedy brought me to this method of expression; the sudden death of my husband and friend, Kevin.

In the months since my last post my children and I have faced still more first and have managed to get through them fairly well.  Our support system has remained steady and I’ve learned many things about myself.

One of the biggest lessons is that I don’t actually control my world or those who come in and out of it.  I’m a planner and I always ask my kids “what’s the plan?”  How foolish of me all of these 48+ years to think I had some control AND what a waste of time and energy believing it.  What’s the saying? God hears our plans and laughs.  All my careful life planning never accounted for where I am today.  And guess what? I really don’t know where that is mentally or emotionally.  I am in some suspend animation mode watching life move on for those around me while I await my new future to open and welcome me in.

I make sure that the kids all have what they need to move forward in life emotionally and spiritually healthy.  My daughter, Lauren, is home from college for the summer and she has a great internship with a non-profit in DC assisting transitioning families along with a summer job working with children.  My son, Kevin Jr. won a spot on a summer basketball league team and next week has his driver’s exam.  My youngest, Kyle is already having a blast riding his mini bike and going swimming with his best friends who are a constant at our home.  The boys also have volunteer positions for the summer.  Great things are happening in their lives and that warms my heart.

So life and time has taught me that life and time continue on regardless of how you feel about it so you might as well get on board.  To do anything else would just be getting in the way of God’s plans for you.  I’ve never felt more in tune with the phrase “LET GO AND LET GOD”.   But it hasn’t come easy.  I’ve inadvertently fought it tooth and nail. I spent many many months angry at those I thought abandoned me (still not completely over that with some folks – lol).  Worked feverishly at “just getting over it”.  Ran around myself chasing my own tail in search of my new life.  And let those things I knew I should be doing go by the wayside; like serving God, writing and building new relationships.  Still no luck with the relationships thing but .  .  .

Where did all of this get me, you ask.  Right where I am today – just shutting up, no more planning every moment and just being open to what God has in store.  If that means nothing right now – then nothing it is and I am Ok with that.

So, I’m back to writing and blogging and being happy with what I discover through this process!

Still So Hard To Believe

I walk through life still in total disbelief.  I say to myself very often “Kevin is dead”, as if it’s a brand new revelation.  Each time my silent answer is one of total disbelief.  He kissed me goodbye that Saturday morning.  I spoke with him a few times throughout the day.  He sent me two text messages just before he lost his life on his motorcycle, one telling me that he was on his way and another telling me he loved me, and then he was gone.  He was so alive until he just wasn’t.  And I constantly ache.

That Saturday was a day he looked forward to for weeks.  He and his friends were taking an annual bike ride to southern Virginia.  Kevin had missed out on this ritual for the past few years because his bike was not in the best shape.  In February he lost his best friend Big Kevin, to pancreatic cancer.  Both Kevins had been friends for 40 years – since middle school.  Friend-Kevin was a heavy man, so we referred to him as Big Kevin.  Big Kevin had a much bigger and newer bike and when he died my Kevin purchased it from the estate.  Now this year my Kevin could take that annual ride and feel like Big Kevin was with him.

Big Kevin & My Kevin

No one has yet to be able to explain how a group of 12 bikes left but only 11 came home.  I still don’t understand.  So many different stories.  But the only facts I could ever gather was that my husband went over an embankment and endured a 20′ drop off of the road.  He suffered a broken back and a broken neck.

Immediately I was angry.  Very angry because I wanted him to spend the day with me and the kids but he wanted to take this 3 1/2 hour ride.  In my heart I really believed that it was his appointed time, and that’s what I said to everyone but I still wonder what would have happened had he stayed home that day.

20 minutes before the accident & his last photo

He no longer exist on this earth – that is unbelievable to me.  Yet I know he still exists in spirit.  I feel his presence all of the time and I speak with him all of the time and ask questions like;   What’s it like?  What does he do with his time?  Is he happy?  Does he miss us?

People think I’m doing fine but in reality I’m just existing until life returns to me.  Right now, I don’t want to be happy.  I don’t want to be excited about anything.  I don’t want to live in sadness I just don’t want to think of the possibility of happiness without Kevin.  I love my children and will do whatever is necessary to ensure their happiness and well-being including appearing to be okay for their sakes.  But my world has been rocked and my husband left this earth and took with him my good times, my fun, my happiness and my best friend and replaced those things with more responsibility, boredom, loneliness, fear and brokeness.

I know, I know, I know time heals all.  He wouldn’t want me hurt.  Life is for the living.  This too shall pass.  Ect  Ect  Ect.  And somehow none of that matters.  I hurt.  I miss him.  I wish he were home.  But Kevin’s dead and I love his so much.

Trusting in God

 

This next phase in life is still such a mystery to me.  I always wanted to have a plan for everything that I did.  My favorite phrase to my kids and husband was always “what’s the plan, sam?”  But no where in my plan did I account for losing the head of our household.  It was that moment that I realized my plan meant nothing in the midst of God’s plan for me.

Jeremiah 29:11-13  (NIV) says:   ¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I believe that.  Even when it all seems so overwhelming, I believe that.  So, I have put aside the “must have a plan” philosophy and am adopting “God,  has a plan” mentality and simply trusting Him in the midst of the confusion and pain.  I am hopeful for a brighter day and hopeful for the day that I am walking in the new life and cherishing the memories of the former life.   God doesn’t put new wine into old wineskins. I may not have the same friends or relationships going forward but its all the way He planned it.  So although what is to come is a mystery, trusting God and believing He has it all under control is the key to moving forward in peace.

Bless you all!!! 

 

 

Happy Valentines Day!

Real love last beyond the physical.  I never knew that before I lost Kevin but now I say for certain that we are still connected.  I still feel his presence with me and I still feel his love.  So today, I’m  happy to have him  as my eternal Valentine!!

• We have a new love
• Not rooted in expectations
• Do-for-me or I-do-for-you love
• We have a new love
• No longer physical
• But more than beautiful
• Still my one true love
•  
• We have a new love
• A me and you kinda love
• Soul to soul
• Spirit led love
•  
• But I still wish to be with you
• Once more
• To share in your love

by DJohnson

True love is eternal!!!

Grief & Friends

One of the biggest surprises I have found in the grief process is how you lose friends and family after the funeral service.  It is as if you now stink, have chronic bad breath, committed a heinous offense or worst, your pain is contagious.  You now wear a Scarlet W and your presence is uncomfortable to them.

I have been amazed and saddened by the loss of family and friends when I loss my husband.  Our once busy home has become quiet and lonely after he died.  I was warned but I didn’t believe it was possible.  Kevin, gave so much of himself to everyone.  During the time between his passing and his burial that’s all I heard; “Kevin helped me with this.”  “Kevin helped me with that”  “He was so helpful”.  I was told by many, many people that we could count on them for anything we needed.  More that 500 people attended his funeral.

I have reached out to some of them to say hello and received the same response – ‘Oh hi, I’ve been meaning to call you’ or ‘You’ve been on my mind’ or ‘I’ve been praying for you’.  All of which are great on the surface but how could those closest to you not know how badly you are hurting?  How could they not know that if you prayed with me during times of trouble before, would you not  pray with me now?  How could they not know that if I’ve been placed on their mind it was most likely because I was in trouble?

Its like being  at the bottom of a well.  Your rescue team is on the surface.  They saw you fall into the well but  they are walking around, going about their day and waiting for you to say ‘Can you help me out of this dark place or if not please check on me until more help comes?’

The blessing is, I’ve found, that there are always a few who do stay around.  It may not be the people you expect.  My husband is from a large family and I just assumed that one of my in-laws would take my son to get his Learners Permit, help teach him to drive and check in on us.  But it was my co-worker who stepped in and helped my son and an entirely different family keeps us in their family loop, including outings and events.  Without them we would be so alone.

I wish that every funeral service came with a disclaimer to those in attendance.

“The end of this service is the beginning of our loved ones journey into their new life and the beginning of the survivor’s journey into theirs.  God will certainly help both but He calls on family and friends to be His arms to hold them.  His physical ears to listen.  His representation on earth to Love them through this dark time.  Do not  forget them, leave them or forsake them“

This Is Helping Me . . .

From time to time when I receive something that has been helpful to me I will share it here in the blogosphere.  🙂

This is an especially hard week for me.  Monday marked the 6th month anniversary of Kevin’s death.  I’m a ‘date’ person for some reason.  I worked at making certain days and events special in the lives of my family and so I think that is why the 6th of the month never goes unnoticed by me.  But this 1/2 year mark means that it’s been 6 months since I heard his voice.  6 months since he walked out of the house and didn’t return.  The heaviness has been stifling and I’m sure that many people go through times like this for various reasons.  I have reached out to a few people and their advice has been a God send to me so I thought it was worth sharing:

• Lean into the grief – allow those emotions to take its course.  Be present in this moment and know that you are not alone and while your pain may feel unique, it’s not.  Others go thru the exact same thing but for different reasons
• Change the atmosphere around you – play your favorite gospel music where ever you are, when ever you can.  It changes the focus of your thoughts.  It allows God to minister to your heart without you doing anything but listening, especially because you may not have the energy to do anything but listen.
• Make healthy choices – during painful periods it is tempting to look for something to dull the ache.  Unhealthy choices like drugs or alcohol will be detrimental to your healing.  Please avoid at all cost.

No one is ever prepared for this but we will get through it and live again.  It will be different, but it will be.

Take care of yourself . . . 🙂

Grief & School

When an adult looses a loved one the are provided with time off from work for bereavement.  If the standard 7 – 10 days aren’t enough there is short time disability in most cases.  Not so much for the school-age children.

When my husband died I stayed home for 1 month but my children had school to return to.  I thought that it would be a good distraction for them.  But how could that be?  Their worlds had been turned upside down.  My college student began counseling immediately upon returning to school and my sons started counseling in school.  The boys were given “passes” that allowed them to go to the nurses office if they began to feel ‘bad’.  All bases covered, right?  Wrong.

Grief puts you in a fog.  It affects your concentration and your ability to remember anything; including your own name sometimes.  When someone asks you how you’re doing, your canned answer is “I’m doing fine”.  Anything other than that would feel as silly as the original question.  So you put all of that together with 7 different classes, homework, projects, note taking, unit test, quizzes – yada yada yada – and you have a recipe for an emotional tsunami.  And like me, you may not see it coming until you child stands before you and says ‘I just can’t do it all!’.

It was then that I took action with the school.

1. I contacted his guidance counselor and the school psychologist and they had the same “ah-ha” moment I had about school and grief
2. We arranged for weekly sessions with his counselor that would focus on coping skills for his grief and to assist him with organizing his daily task and work
3. We discussed alternatives to testing with each of his teachers.  Some classes required testing during lunch or after school to allow him a more comfortable setting.  Others allowed for take-home testing and other teachers opted to provide one-on-one extra help.
4. Changed homework to a group time at home.  The quiet time of doing homework in his room was just a breeding ground to fall into times of sorrow so we decided that for now we’d all sit together at the dining room table and do homework together.  While it’s still quiet, we are together and we can help one another.  I take that time to work on writing projects or catch up on my reading.
5. Found other resources to help me help them –  http://www.rainbowhospice.org/bereavement/school.asp, http://www.americanhospice.org/grieving-children, http://keltymentalhealth.ca/faq/what-can-parents-do-help-grieving-children
6. Consulted our family therapist

Together we gave him a chance to breath and we relieved some of his pressure.  He’s doing much better now.

Just remember school brings on it’s own pressures and challenges add the loss of a parent and all hell can break loose in your child’s world.  Remember they are grieving too.

– Living this new life,  DJ

Living Life In A New Way

Quote

Like many of you with kids, I juggle many calendars.  I have a 20-year-old daughter in college, a 16-year-old son in the 11th grade and a 12-year-old son in the 6th grade.  With both sons on basketball teams, my weekly routine includes 4 nights/afternoons of basketball practice and up to 5 games per weekend.   When my husband passed away I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to handle the kids schedules alone.  And truth be told, I can’t.  So, I had to reach out to friends and family for help.

Reaching out for help has been yet another difficult task in this new life.  I have always been totally independent.   And now in order to meet all of our duties and/or responsibilities I needed to ask for help.  What I found in this is:

• It is not a sign of weakness
• Many want to help but they just don’t know how
• Help may come from where you least expect it
• Trying to do everything the way you used to will only frustrate you
• And still asking for help is hard but it has to be done

Whether you are starting your new life because of a loss of a spouse like us or divorce, change has to be expected.  Seasons change and each new season has its own beauty.  We don’t have to forget the joy of spring in order to embrace the warmth of summer.  Take the good of the past while moving into the promises of your new future.

This New Life

 On August 6, 2011 we lost Kevin, husband and father of 3.  We have and are still running the gamut of emotions as we each deal with life without a loving Dad and Hubby.  The kids and I find comfort in our faith and in one another.  To date we have celebrated birthdays and the holidays without his huge smile and warmth.  But each day we learn a little more about living this new life.