The Key to Resolving Grief

The key to resolving grief.

Reblogged from Dr Lani Leary

The key to resolving grief is the feeling of acceptance that comes through validation. To resolve means to settle, to work out, or to find meaning. It does not mean to erase, or to end. Grief does not end, but grief is transformed. Grief can soften. It can be accepted. It can take on another shape, rather than taking over a person’s life. One can carry grief differently after working through grief and finding resolution. But grief does not end.

The great healer of our grief is validation, not time. All grief needs to be blessed. In order to be blessed, it must be heard. Someone must be present, someone who is willing to “hold” it by listening without judgment or comparison.

Those who grieve need both verbal and non-verbal permission to feel whatever feelings arise during grief. Their personal way of experiencing their loss should be given consent and validation. The ways they “know” their grief should be honored. Mourners need to be encouraged to express their grief in ways that are most comfortable for them, through words, tears, song, art, movement, or activity.

While grieving, those in pain need a sense of a compassionate presence. That is a person who provides a healthy relationship and companions them. It is the person who can “just be” with them in whatever way is helpful throughout the journey. There may be several people who support with their ability to be present, and each may offer different aspects that are needed. The bereaved need:

1. To be cared for with your presence, permission, patience, predictability, and perseverance.
2. To have their feelings acknowledged and their loved one remembered.
3. To have their feelings and needs normalized.
4. To be heard.
5. To be seen and acknowledged.

Trusting in God

 

This next phase in life is still such a mystery to me.  I always wanted to have a plan for everything that I did.  My favorite phrase to my kids and husband was always “what’s the plan, sam?”  But no where in my plan did I account for losing the head of our household.  It was that moment that I realized my plan meant nothing in the midst of God’s plan for me.

Jeremiah 29:11-13  (NIV) says:   ¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I believe that.  Even when it all seems so overwhelming, I believe that.  So, I have put aside the “must have a plan” philosophy and am adopting “God,  has a plan” mentality and simply trusting Him in the midst of the confusion and pain.  I am hopeful for a brighter day and hopeful for the day that I am walking in the new life and cherishing the memories of the former life.   God doesn’t put new wine into old wineskins. I may not have the same friends or relationships going forward but its all the way He planned it.  So although what is to come is a mystery, trusting God and believing He has it all under control is the key to moving forward in peace.

Bless you all!!! 

 

 

Happy Valentines Day!

Real love last beyond the physical.  I never knew that before I lost Kevin but now I say for certain that we are still connected.  I still feel his presence with me and I still feel his love.  So today, I’m  happy to have him  as my eternal Valentine!!

• We have a new love
• Not rooted in expectations
• Do-for-me or I-do-for-you love
• We have a new love
• No longer physical
• But more than beautiful
• Still my one true love
•  
• We have a new love
• A me and you kinda love
• Soul to soul
• Spirit led love
•  
• But I still wish to be with you
• Once more
• To share in your love

by DJohnson

True love is eternal!!!

Grief & Friends

One of the biggest surprises I have found in the grief process is how you lose friends and family after the funeral service.  It is as if you now stink, have chronic bad breath, committed a heinous offense or worst, your pain is contagious.  You now wear a Scarlet W and your presence is uncomfortable to them.

I have been amazed and saddened by the loss of family and friends when I loss my husband.  Our once busy home has become quiet and lonely after he died.  I was warned but I didn’t believe it was possible.  Kevin, gave so much of himself to everyone.  During the time between his passing and his burial that’s all I heard; “Kevin helped me with this.”  “Kevin helped me with that”  “He was so helpful”.  I was told by many, many people that we could count on them for anything we needed.  More that 500 people attended his funeral.

I have reached out to some of them to say hello and received the same response – ‘Oh hi, I’ve been meaning to call you’ or ‘You’ve been on my mind’ or ‘I’ve been praying for you’.  All of which are great on the surface but how could those closest to you not know how badly you are hurting?  How could they not know that if you prayed with me during times of trouble before, would you not  pray with me now?  How could they not know that if I’ve been placed on their mind it was most likely because I was in trouble?

Its like being  at the bottom of a well.  Your rescue team is on the surface.  They saw you fall into the well but  they are walking around, going about their day and waiting for you to say ‘Can you help me out of this dark place or if not please check on me until more help comes?’

The blessing is, I’ve found, that there are always a few who do stay around.  It may not be the people you expect.  My husband is from a large family and I just assumed that one of my in-laws would take my son to get his Learners Permit, help teach him to drive and check in on us.  But it was my co-worker who stepped in and helped my son and an entirely different family keeps us in their family loop, including outings and events.  Without them we would be so alone.

I wish that every funeral service came with a disclaimer to those in attendance.

“The end of this service is the beginning of our loved ones journey into their new life and the beginning of the survivor’s journey into theirs.  God will certainly help both but He calls on family and friends to be His arms to hold them.  His physical ears to listen.  His representation on earth to Love them through this dark time.  Do not  forget them, leave them or forsake them“

This Is Helping Me . . .

From time to time when I receive something that has been helpful to me I will share it here in the blogosphere.  🙂

This is an especially hard week for me.  Monday marked the 6th month anniversary of Kevin’s death.  I’m a ‘date’ person for some reason.  I worked at making certain days and events special in the lives of my family and so I think that is why the 6th of the month never goes unnoticed by me.  But this 1/2 year mark means that it’s been 6 months since I heard his voice.  6 months since he walked out of the house and didn’t return.  The heaviness has been stifling and I’m sure that many people go through times like this for various reasons.  I have reached out to a few people and their advice has been a God send to me so I thought it was worth sharing:

• Lean into the grief – allow those emotions to take its course.  Be present in this moment and know that you are not alone and while your pain may feel unique, it’s not.  Others go thru the exact same thing but for different reasons
• Change the atmosphere around you – play your favorite gospel music where ever you are, when ever you can.  It changes the focus of your thoughts.  It allows God to minister to your heart without you doing anything but listening, especially because you may not have the energy to do anything but listen.
• Make healthy choices – during painful periods it is tempting to look for something to dull the ache.  Unhealthy choices like drugs or alcohol will be detrimental to your healing.  Please avoid at all cost.

No one is ever prepared for this but we will get through it and live again.  It will be different, but it will be.

Take care of yourself . . . 🙂

Living Life In A New Way

Quote

Like many of you with kids, I juggle many calendars.  I have a 20-year-old daughter in college, a 16-year-old son in the 11th grade and a 12-year-old son in the 6th grade.  With both sons on basketball teams, my weekly routine includes 4 nights/afternoons of basketball practice and up to 5 games per weekend.   When my husband passed away I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to handle the kids schedules alone.  And truth be told, I can’t.  So, I had to reach out to friends and family for help.

Reaching out for help has been yet another difficult task in this new life.  I have always been totally independent.   And now in order to meet all of our duties and/or responsibilities I needed to ask for help.  What I found in this is:

• It is not a sign of weakness
• Many want to help but they just don’t know how
• Help may come from where you least expect it
• Trying to do everything the way you used to will only frustrate you
• And still asking for help is hard but it has to be done

Whether you are starting your new life because of a loss of a spouse like us or divorce, change has to be expected.  Seasons change and each new season has its own beauty.  We don’t have to forget the joy of spring in order to embrace the warmth of summer.  Take the good of the past while moving into the promises of your new future.

This New Life

 On August 6, 2011 we lost Kevin, husband and father of 3.  We have and are still running the gamut of emotions as we each deal with life without a loving Dad and Hubby.  The kids and I find comfort in our faith and in one another.  To date we have celebrated birthdays and the holidays without his huge smile and warmth.  But each day we learn a little more about living this new life.